To the Good Citizen of Philadelphia,

Thank you, and congrats! Due to the diligent murdering done by some folks - and help from a multiple-homicide/suicide committing out-of-towner - you are well on your way to exceed last year's homicide rate (currently by more than 20%)! Just outstanding, really. Think about this... as long as the city's leadership continues to lay down and maintain it's ineffectual stance on stopping the bloodshed, we could be in for double-digit comps come NYE 2008! Luckily, we have Insane Clown Mayor operating in lame duck mode and a cast of mayoral hopefuls spread so thin over what to do with public education in the city and a crippling (borderline retarded) business privilege tax that things could be smooth sailing from here on out. Throw in another multi-hom from an asshole from Delaware, and we're golden. Just outstanding, really.


On another note...
Columbia pictures has a movie slated for release next month called Reign Over Me. The movie is about two college buddies, reunited years after graduation. One buddy is a dark skinned dentist, the other has, to put it plainly, really let himself go. He's gained weight, rarely bathes, cuts or brushes his hair (or teeth). In general, he's given up. Amazingly enough, this movie is not a documentary, although a few people I know wouldn't be blamed for assuming it's reality-based.

The day has finally arrived...RH is here.

TMS

Spring Fling

The Absoultest, Truest, Happiest, of Dayests, is soon upon us. Opening Day tix have arrived.



To Quote the Phillies Mantra for 2007:



WHY NOT? Lets go Big Red.

At long last...

Starting this Friday (or starting as soon as I get internet access) I will be offering weekly recaps of your favorite show and mine, American Idol. I know we would all like to see a little more of American Idol, and I agree. Five hours a week is not nearly enough. Below are the three biggest events that have happened so far...

First is the realization that 4 of the remaining 10 female contestants are more manly 7 of the 10 male contestants.


Secondly, there was a picture scandal that involved a contestatnt named Antonella. Although she is pretty hot, the pics are clearly doctored. However, I think we all love a good shot of someone sitting on the can. This one is legit.










Finally, the biggest news of the season how well Amish is doing in the contest. Who would have thought our boy can sing so well.












Other than that, it is still early in the competition. More will come, and I am sure you are all as excited as I am for this season.

Rankings as of 2/27/07

#1 Lakisha Jones
#2 Melinda Doolittle
#3 Sabrina Stone
#4 Chris Richrson
#5 Stephanie Edwards

Sing us a song, you're the panty man

There's a couple things that I noticed this past weekend that are truly outstanding in life.

One of them is any and all piano bars. There's something about the tickling of the ivories that is clearly enjoyable, especially after an evening of delicious cordials.

A couple of us took in one Friday night and it was top notch, drawer, and billing. Rounds of shots were provided on house by a guy better looking than Wes, buxom broads danced the night away and certain individuals decided to don underpants on their heads and while certain females repeatedly chanted for anal. Banner night indeed.

That being said, I'm wondering if I missed something. Did midtown Philadelphia suddenly become Midtown Manhattan? Of course I know the answer to that is no, not even close, but in certain jaunts we have recently frequented, they have decided to charge up to $10 for a simple mixed drink.

I'll be the first to step up and admit that I never have a problem paying for a good time, no matter the occasion. Even if it is for things other than alcohol. But $10 for a Crown and Coke? No thank you. And no thank you to these places moving forward. The new MISSION GRILL, and PUBIC HOUSE. Let's be honest, how many of you can honestly say you've had a good time there? Corporate pleats, houndstooth blazers, button down collars, moustaches, lawyers, douches, wingtips and double-breasts are all too common there and the atmosphere sucks. For some reason people seem to flock to these places and even worse, stand in line. My advice: if you want the same experience, put some pantyhose on at home, or a full panty if you will, throw a roll of quarters down your drain, and blast an an old bel biv devoe tape, you'll get the same thing.

Speaking of experiences, I did enjoy the Don show last week at a place I've never been, Johnny Brenda's that finds itself in Fishtown, yes, Fishtown. For those of us who went, an added bonus was the act following. Her name is Nicole Atkins, and had a great set of pipes and more importantly a great set of tits.

http://www.rollingstone.com/news/story/9524519/nicole_atkins

Based on that, I have made an executive decision.

Much like the Chinee, whom just recently celebrated the year of the pig, a collective group of us celebrate our years in ceremonious fashion. For example:

2005: Year of the Hussy

2006: I forget

2007: Initially coined the year of the Fluzy, but now changed and official known as:

The Year of the Tit.

Its simple, but so good. May your next toast and drink have something to do with bombs.

Friends, lets kick off our year and celebrate together. Who doesn't enjoy a great set of cans(maybe Dateless)?

Tits Up Buddy!

Happy Day... Email Updates are Here!

You asked for it, you got it. The Happiest of Days sent directly to your inbox. Just enter your email address in the form on the right, sit back, and check your email. Occasionally you'll receive messages with blog updates. Stuff like this:

An Analogy in Photos

That last post got me thinking...









is to:

as...










is to:














Hey hangdown, it's been 34 hours and I'm still waiting for that post. You have the power, now post, pal! I'd take anything at this point... what you're giving up for Lent... whether you like Johnny Marz or think he's a washed up, self-absorbed airbag (like I do)... a photo essay on why Center City's recent cultural renaissance will never expand west to Roxborough... anything!

Street Scents

Today this man, Milton Street, called Michael Nutter a "Watermelon Man" and "white on the inside" after being arrested at 7-11 for not paying traffic tickets.

Street was arrested Monday for outstanding traffic warrants while shopping at a 7-11 on Camden Avenue and Lenola Road. “It was really strange. I went in the 7-11 and I had my back turned, right, and a guy says, ‘Mr. Street,’ and I’m like, ‘Yeah, it’s me, Mr. Street,’ and I pick up my paper and he turned around and said, ‘How you doing,’ he said, ‘You're under arrest,’” Milton Street said.Street said he plans to file a lawsuit against Moorestown, Burlington County Tuesday, saying his arrest interfered with his current campaign for Philadelphia Mayor."This is harassment. You can't be an officer in a town and only know that there's warrants, that are four and five years old, once there is a political election," said Street.“I had parking tickets, I was a scofflaw, but that was 10 years ago,” Street said. “President Clinton smoked marijuana, but he didn’t inhale. I was a scofflaw, but I didn’t inhale.”

On March 1st he's going to have a rally at City Hall and if enough people don't show up, he's going to drop out of the Philadelphia mayoral race.

Let's hope people show up in droves. If he runs it goes to show you that anything can happen I can still live my dream of playing second base at this place:

Give'em hell Uncle Miltie. And Go Phils!

Yuk!

In honoring President's day I would like to offer up something that past Vice President Al Gore has brought to the forefront: Global Warming.

I would also like to encourage it to come quickly to a certain area of Philadelphia, specifically, Delaware/Columbus Blvd, where I spent the better part of 3 hours on Monday.

I know there are many bad areas and eyesores in the city, but I would rather spend time there or for that matter anywhere else in our fair city except Delaware/Columbus Blvd.

Places like Ridge Avenue in Roxborough, Pulse, Thon, a Don Show, these are all places that are infinitely superior than spending more than a minute in that area.

So I say this - melt the glaciers now, flood the Delware river so that stretch of 2 miles of filth and human garbage could just go away. Am I that crazy? Have you ever been to that Home Depot for 10 minutes, the Wal-Mart for 30 seconds? That Wawa that's in the strip mall? That movie theater? Try to get customer service in that Best Buy, I'll meet you there when you get waited on in April. Then I'll punch you in the face to make you feel better than what you just went through.

Do I have to mention the litter of strip joints - including a place that hurts everypart of your body when you walk in - Show and Tell? If you've never been there, vomit on a bunk girl you know and then beef on her. That's the type of talent that makes up that absolute pit.

Dredging = Jobs? If the job is down in that area I'd rather commute to hell everyday.

Face it - we would be doing society a favor if Philadelphia stopped and the Delaware river began and flowed to curb of Front Street.

You know what the best part about it is? The Casinos are going there.

See you at the slots.

Let's Go State

This past weekend I spent at Penn State. Much has changed there. Campus is vastly different and there is beautiful new baseball field.

This being said I have the following to offer from my trip:

The Tavern Restaurant is fair to average. People go crazy about this place and the unlimited sides are great, but seriously how much cabbage and miniature spaghetti can one eat. Plus when I was there a guy next to me lifted up his hind cheek and farted.

What is good though is the Sin. The Adam's Apple is top notch even if most of the crowd there is a little buttoned-up and loves a good turtleneck Wes Hepner style.

We also visited the Big Easy which I feel is just as good as when I was there. After not seeing Tony for years, he treated us incredibly well and invited upstairs to his new club. Tony eerily reminds me of another young club entrepreneur that we all know. He's done a very nice job though, and the DJ was great. the young college boob was even better.

Another nice new edition is the place called Pickles located on South Allen. I would recommend it for a day drinking place, and its in better shape than the decrepit although newly renovated G-Man.

What was also interesting is that the JR of JR and Sharon fame is still going strong. We saw him at the Cafe and he now is playing with a girl that was at best 18 years old. That JR loves the Joan Jett songs. The years haven't been kind to him. He looked like hell. http://jrsharon.mav.net/bio.shtml

Bottom line though is that State College is always fun. Blue-White game is April 21st and its coupled with a doubleheader against Northwestern in the new baseball park. See you there.

Hey, Buddy, it's your blog debut!

If you're sitting at home on a snow day with nothing to do, and you get to thinking about what you'd look like if your weekly diet consisted of: 140 Marlboro Lights, 3,000 diet cokes, 57 Big Macs, 94 v.b.r.'s, 60 whatchamacallit's, and a good healthy dose of french fries with each meal, well, here ya go:

(photo credit: Big German)

There's no way I'm not posting this photo at least once a week from now on.

The Girls Next Door

One of the things that I am sadly addicted to is local news and pathetically local news personalities, because, well, its so good. And by so good I mean so incredibly awful.

I've taken the time to rank some of our female personalities in Philadelphia based on a variety of categories including looks, personality and on-air talent. Mostly looks though and if they can successfully pull off a tightly tailored pants-suit or the winter white.

Here goes:

#1: Alycia Lane, CBS 3.
There is no doubting this one. She makes that snaggle-toothed Republican wuss Larry Mendte look like a polished Tom Brokaw at night. She could read me the Roxborough phone book and I would watch. She's top notch, top drawer, top shelf. Let's hope she sticks around here for a long time.










#2: Keri-Lee Halkett:

She puts the 5 in 5'o clock shadow. It would be great to be hers. Even know she's replaced Judge Judy in that time slot, she does a superior job and can bang a gavel better than anyone. She's also an adjunct professor, which this guy likes a lot.

She also wears a great high boot behind the anchor desk. Phenomenal.




















#3: Dorthy Krysiuk

This one may come as little bit of a surprise but Dorthy is solid. She manages to clean herself up very well for the early morning fox local show and motions the traffic jams on 76 and 95 like no one's business. Strong stroker, if you will.

















#4: Lori Wilson NBC10

Pictures can be deceiving, including the one on the billboard on 76 west, but she's good, she's good. She has a great body that just won't quit and is a young one at that. Check her out on the show at 10am on NBC. Pearly whites.












#5: Susan Barnett: CBS3

Rounding out the top 5 is little known Susan Barnett because she's on CBS3 in the morning. No one obviously watches that and why should they? Mike and Mike is on ESPN and Matt Laurer is the consummate professional that looks like a good looking Weth Hepner. She's a local girl though, hailing from Levittown and a Delaware Blue Hen. Good full-face Jessica Biel style.









Honorable Mention: Maria Delarosa, CBS3

Maria does the weather in the afternoon on channel 3 and is a Penn State grad who was there when we were there. She does this backyard feature in the summer where she throws a little leg and arm at the camera. Good for her.










Not Ranked: (Unrankable): Rhea Hughes, 610WIP

Am I the only one that thinks she isn't good? I don't listen to WIP very often anymore but so many times I hear people call up and say how much they enjoy her. Enjoy what? Her saying, "Thank You, Thank You" when she's right once ever 10 times? Her talking about her failed marriage to Cooter or Carl or Chuck or the construction Goon she married at Chickie and Pete's (no lie) a couple months ago? All that's missing from her and this picture is a denim vest. Boo!















Not Ranked: (Unrankable): Medical Reporter Cherie Bank, NBC10

Every time she comes on tv I feel like I've come down with a medical condition. Find me the person who thought it was a good idea to put her on air because I have a nice house on Silverwood that I can sell him. Its next to a guy who sleeps with his son.












Not Ranked: (Unrankable): Monica PasGass: Channel 6

Although at sometime I'm sure she was good and attractive, her time has passed. She does love lipstick though and loves to sleep with guys our age.






Not Ranked: (Unrankable): Cecily Tynan Channel 6

People used to go crazy about her, but honestly I never saw it. Her resemblance of Skelator and the way channel 6 dresses her up makes her look like a head teller at a bank in Schuylkill County. If you're driving down city ave, don't beep at her, fart, because she stinks.








Not Ranked: Don Polec, Channel 6

Who does this guy think he is anyway?

Welcome to the blogosphere, Incredible Hick

For more information on hicks, please click here.

Speaking of hicks, what's the most annoying thing to happen this week? ESPN temporarily replacing PTI for a horseshit NASCAR Now show... or ConAgra Foods going seven more days without pulling Hunt's ketchup from their line of food-related products?

Real Sports in Philadelphia

In case you missed it, Real Sports last night was outstanding and featured really an all Philadelphia half hour.

The story about Ryan Howard was exceptional . Ryan Howard came off as arguably the classiest athlete to play in Philadelphia in my lifetime.

It also featured a story about the Crawford brothers who are officials in MLB and NBA and from Philadelphia. You'll be able to tell that within the first couple of seconds when they speak.

I highly recommend it.

Joe Banner's Itinerary 2/13/07

7:00: Get up

8:30: Have Breakfast

9:30: Fire This Guy

10:30: Hire this Guy

11:30: Sign this guy:

12:00: Lunch

1:00: Recap last nights wire transactions

2:00: Call girlfriend

3:00: Review tonight's television listings

4:00: Afternoon snack

5:00: Pick the Midnight Green Marlboros, Homeboy - Another Banner day!

Public Gasser Passer

Just a thought, when one finds themselves in the men room, at the urinal next to the young gentlemen, do you find it exceptable if the young man lets one go? By that I mean break wind, cut the cheese, poof, fart, sonic boom, if you will.

There is a couple schools of thought on this. If you're like me, and your doing your thing, streaming strong at the white tank and things are going incredibly well for yourself as you empty your bladder. Then, suddenly, your hear someone crank a chainsaw next to you, and you do a little bit of a head turn.

If you're also like me, 9 times out of 10, you let out a little laugh or smile. What just happend?

Look, I understand that you're in the bathroom and that's exactly where those things are to take place, but their still needs to be some sort of decorum, no?

I just can't take it upon myself to let it fly next to a group of complete strangers, especially when I'm literally a foot away from someone I've never met. Clean it up, friends.

Aw, Hey Chuck...

sorry fellas, evan is off the market. he's getting married... to a girl.

I know what you're thinking... "but where's his tennis helmet?" apparently, it would mess up his faux-hawk (which totally doesn't look un-neat and not gay, right?).