FIVE ALIVE

Another banner weekend turned in locally, where bachelor's were celebrated and so were your Fightin Philadelphians.

The draft? What draft? Your Phils turned in a 5-2 homestand and 44 year-old Jamie Moyer turned in a near no-hit gem in front of 45,000+.

Beating up on the Nats (what a GOON squad) and Marls seemed easy though. It makes me wonder if the DC team might want to bring back some of the old Expos. I think they might be able to scratch out some wins purely based on the OUTSTANDINGNESS of wearing this uniform every day.



The real test will come this week. A 5-5 road trip should be the goal. Bravos, Giants, and Dbags will all be formidable.

In all respect to young Jamie Lidell (and by the way, yes, its on itunes) and the Target commercial, we could use..............

A LITTLE BIT MORE, A LITTLE BIT MORE!!

This One's Outta Here!

Congrats to Matt Smith, who the Phillies are reporting has just been optioned to triple-A Ottawa. This guys flat out sucks balls. All he's done is walked 11 batters in 4 innings. Bottom drawer stuff.

When asked about the move, right hander Tony Alfonseca changed the subject by mentioning how excited he was for the upcoming Phanatic bobble head day, then walked out of the clubhouse mumbling that Qdoba has the best burritos he's ever tasted.

Wouldn't That Be Tweeds?

Whohoe, whihoo
Whohoe, whihoo
Whohoe, whihoo
Whohoe, whihoo

If I could escape
I would, but first of all let me say
I must apologize for acting, stinking, treating you this way
Cause I've been acting like sour milk fell on the floor
It's your fault you didn't shut the refrigerator
Maybe that's the reason I've been acting so cold

If I could escape
And re-create a place as my own world
And I could be your favorite girl
Forever, perfectly together
Tell me boy, now wouldn't that be TWEEDS?

If I could be TWEEDS
I know I've been a real bad girl
I didn't mean for you to get hurt
Forever, we can make it better
Tell me boy, Now wouldn't that be TWEEDS?
TWEEDS escape

(I wanna get away, to our TWEEDS escape)
You let me down I'm at my lowest boiling point
Come help me out
I need to get me out of this joint
Come on, let's bounce
Counting on you to turn me around
Instead of clowning around let's look for some common ground

So baby, times getting a little crazy
I've been getting a little lazy
Waiting for you to come save me
I can see that you're angry
By the way the you treat me
Hopefully you don't leave me
Want to take you with me

If I could escape
And re-create a place as my own world
And I could be your favorite girl
Forever, perfectly together
Tell me boy, now wouldn't that be TWEEDS?

If I could be TWEEDS
I know I've been a real bad girl
I didn't mean for you to get hurt Forever, we can make it better
Tell me boy, now wouldn't that be TWEEDS?
TWEEDS escape

Whohoe, whihoo
Whohoe, whihoo
Whohoe, whihoo
Whohoe, whihoo

Sweeds? Pass the Tweeds.

Is Jeffrey Lurie serious with this? He must really be terrified that fans will cry out for a return to the Kelly Green Eagleform, arguably the best professional football uniform ever.

In case you missed it today, the Eagles will don blue and yellow uniforms from 1933 to celebrate their upcoming 75th anniversary season.







The team will wear the uniforms, designed with the NFL and Reebok, during a Sept. 23 home game against the Lions.


The blue and yellow colors, based on the Swedish flag, were adopted by the Eagles when they replaced the bankrupt Frankford Yellow Jackets.



Look, THOD's all for the Sweede, but I was thinking if they were going to do a tribute it would look more along the lines of this...





Or This....

Nut Her For Mayer

Philadelphia Magazine and released who they have endorsed for mayor, and its YOUR BOY, Michael Nutter.

The good news is, they've picked the best candidate. The bad news is, they've endorsed the guy pictured below, YOUR BOY, Sam Katz, in the past two elections.

From Phildelphia Magazine...

These times call for change and urgency and vision. In his reasonable and understated way, that is what Michael Nutter represents. We interviewed all five candidates, and overwhelmingly chose Nutter in a staff vote, for his vision and specificity. He was, for example, the only candidate who seemed to realize that the title of the brilliant Thomas Friedman book The World Is Flat does indeed apply to the Delaware Valley. He spoke of the need for regional leadership and cooperation, and called for an end to our “suburbs vs. city” loggerheads. He pointed to Chicago, where Mayor Richard Daley founded the Metropolitan Mayors Caucus — 272 mayors working together to advance the common good across rural, urban and suburban lines. Nutter proposes a Metropolitan County Caucus here, in an effort to bridge the regional divide.
In a larger sense, that is the true upside of a Nutter mayoralty: He stands a greater chance of bridging the divides that currently hold Philadelphia back. John Street, after a 2003 reelection characterized by stark race-based rhetoric and voting, had an opportunity to connect us, one to the other: black to white, suburbanite to urbanite, young to old. He didn’t even try. Nutter has the potential to make us One Philadelphia. Nowhere was that more on display than in his response when he came to our Center City office and we asked about the murder epidemic:
Two hundred and ninety-six black men were killed in Philadelphia last year. If the Ku Klux Klan came to town and killed 296 black men, the town would be in an uproar, we’d be in total lockdown, the FBI, CIA and three agencies you’ve never heard of would be here, trying to figure this problem out. The fact is, since 72 percent of the victims have a criminal record and 81 percent of the perpetrators have a criminal record, and it’s happening “out there,” people are like, “Why do I have to worry about it?” You need to worry about it. It’s damaging our reputation. It is literally tearing the heart out of this city. In this current environment, no one can say anything, because there’s a black mayor and a black police commissioner and 85 percent of the people killed last year were black. You can’t really say anything because, oh God, you’re criticizing a black mayor. I wouldn’t care if the guy was polka-dotted. Four hundred and six people dead? We need to be saying something. Whether it’s someone with a criminal record or a five-year-old girl in her mother’s car, citizens of this city are being killed, and we have a moral obligation to do something and not get caught up in this race stuff. If you live in one of these neighborhoods, if you’re ducking and dodging bullets every day, what you’re trying to figure out is: “What in the world are the police doing? And where are they?” If you don’t live in one of these neighborhoods, you’re talking about “martial law” and how “Stop, Ask and Frisk” means “People’s rights are going to be abused.” We will not abuse people’s rights. But it is more dangerous for a black man in this city between 18 and 40 than it is to be in Iraq. I want to stop the killing in this city. Somebody got a better idea? I’m all ears. Otherwise, we can just continue to do what we’ve been doing. I don’t think it’s been working.
Michael Nutter has his flaws. He can get wonky, and he has a reputation for micro-managing. But in this one response, as throughout his political career, Nutter exhibits precisely what the next mayor needs to do. He needs to talk about this country’s original birth defect — race — in a way that speaks to all Philadelphians, and he needs to inspire, and he needs to boldly lead in a way that confronts our status-quo culture. We endorse Michael Nutter for mayor, and we simultaneously challenge him to do what Philadelphia needs: place principle over pragmatism, straight talk over obfuscation, the common good over the narrow interest. And if you elect him, we pledge to call him out should he fall short of walking the talk that inspired us to single him out as the best choice to lead this city.

Dirty Laundry

Another banner day, and our Phils are on their way.

Utley goes yard 450 foot style, JRoll rips, and YOUR BOY, Wes Helm looks to be swinging the bat welm.

But the best of news is Pat the Bat is holding more than his own in the five spot. So much so that he recieved a standing ovation on Monday night as he exited the game.

Try this black shirt on for size...

Pat Burrell: OBP (Micah - that's On Base Percentatge) .449 AVG. .333

Ryan Howard: OBP .429 AVG. .220

************************************************************************************

In other news, sadly, it was confirmed this past weekend in State College that 9 months ago Coach Paterno had a torrid passionate love affair with the Epsilon Chapter House.

On Monday, in Centre County hospital, at 5:08am, PinkPa took her first breath. (She will go by the name of StinkPink) She weighs more than Goon or Wes. (But less if you were to combine the two - she's not that big. No one is).

Sue Paterno has filed for divorce but not because of the lovechild. She just can't take those fucking THON canners knocking on her door anymore, while Mr. Milano naps upstairs.

Looks like he didn't go in her mouth.

...BUDDY Seriously

Tremendous weekend turned in this weekend, and has this contributor thinking things might finally be on the up and up.

Your Phils came home from a short road trip in the black, YOUR BOY, Brett Myer appears to be the new closer for your Fightins, the Nittany Lion won their scrimmage game while YOUR BOY Poz entertained a girl tastefully dressed to nines, and the forces beyond our control posted a couple of the nicest days ever on record Saturday and Sunday.

Plus, Home Box Office capped off our recent two-step with a combnined 84 minutes of television that was simply, well, it was tits.

Things seem to be going incredibly well.

Let's keep it that way. Go Phils, Go Weather, Go Green, Go the Song of the Summer 2007.

"I'm Ryan Howard, and I swing at the first pitch..."

Our MVP first baseman may not be able to lay off first pitch balls from relief pitchers, but at least he lays off his teammates:

*The "team to beat" is last in the majors, and the maturity level of some blog posts is now just as low.

Iron Shitty

There are few things to cheer about with our local 9, but there's one thing that I can always count on to bring me good spirits when I tend to feel a bit of the you know, whathaveu.

You know what one of those things always is - that tomorrow I won't be waking up living in Pittsburgh.

Tom McCarthy who now works for the Mets and actually used to be on the radio broadcast for the Phillies before the bullshit Gary Matthews/Larry Andersen experiment does a real nice job with his comments below...

This is courtesy of one of my favorite websites, www.uniwatchblog.com

Bottom of the 6th during last night’s Mets/Nationals game. A bit of stunned silence in the WFAN radio booth, and then this from Mets broadcaster Tom McCarthy: “They’re just showing on SNY one of Barry Bonds’s two home runs in Pittsburgh tonight, and it’s the first time I’ve gotten a glance at the Pirates’ alternate uniforms. Holy cow, those are ugly.” His broadcast partner Howie Rose chimes in: “That might be the worst-looking baseball uniform I’ve ever seen.”

Up Yours Burghers!

PLEASE STAND

If you are at a sporting event, and unless you're the age of one, you know that the national anthem is going to be played to precede the game.

Therefore, you know that at said time when Dan Baker or Matt Cord asks, "Please rise as we honor our country with the singing/playing of our national anthem." You lift your lid off if you're donning a cap.

Now, 95 or maybe even 99 percent of the people of attenance will take their hats off. This is of course out of the respect this great land we live in and all we have fought for. For those people who choose not to remove their hat out of respect, shame on them, and in many ways it is abhorrent and inexcusable. A lot of times also I just don't get it - is it that hard to take it off?







But I ask you this, what is more unexcusable, the not removing of the hat in which for or five people actually take notice because they are out of beer, or the first class Philadephian garbage citizen that screams at the top of his lungs to make sure everyone sees what he sees with a profound announcement, "take your fucking hat off!"

You see the person that didn't take off his hat is clearly disrespectful. But what is to be said of our young friend who now has bought attention to not a singal individual, but a wholde section of people, some of which may have kids and aren't to familiar with the "fucking" adjective that the young trash individual used like vinegar on fish and chips.

I know this - Fuck'em both.

I'm not going to Sixers games anymore, even if the tickets are free. Your fans, your fraud, your fucking Sixers. Fan appreciation? I appreciate that fact that I won't have to put any more sixers fucking hats on next to never. They SMD, LMB and TMS!

Things I hate and don't understand

As I take a break from day "one" of cramming a full semester worth of studying into a one week period, I began to think of all the things that annoy me. Since this break consisted of TV watching, I realized what pisses me off the most…

We are currently in the midst of one of the worst runs of commercials ever made. Although I can't name them all, in the spirit of the Hick, I decided to make a short list of the three worst:

#1 is the Jell-O pudding comercial with a kid and some idiot in a cow costume doing the Wiggle and Giggle dance. All along there is a song playing that goes a little something like this:

Jiggle and a Wigglin' free,
in a Wiggle and Jigglin' spree.



Just those two lines, over and over and over and over again. The kid and the cow are doing some kind of dance in unison, and the kid is eating pudding. The newer one has a whole board room of “executives” over-acting and showing that in real life they are obviously some of the worst people in the country.

For some reason the whole thing makes me really uncomfortable and angry to the point where I want to put my fist through the TV, slap the kid, and choke the cow. I want the kid to just sit the hell down and eat his pudding, and I want the dude in the cow costume to stand up, look himself in the mirror and answer this question: "Buddy – where did it all go wrong?”

Now that I think about it, the cow might be some kind of huge puppet. I really can't tell since every time I see it my eyes get blinded with rage. Apprently some guy named Chris G. thought of this first for his site.


The Second commercial that shows most commercial makers are complete morons is the Dr. Scholl’s “Gellin” commercials. Idiotic, stupid and pointless are just a few words to describe this campaign.


“Buddy – I just banged your wife.”
“I don’t care, I just put new pads in my Doc Martins so my feet are gellin.”

Who comes up with this garbage? I want it to stop, and I want it to stop NOW.
Luckily, I am not the only one to feel this way. If you feel, as I and many others do, please visit this website and let your voice be heard.

http://www.petitiononline.com/pitt9179/petition.html

The final example is one that makes me question everything I ever thought I knew about married life, husband/wife roles and responsibilities, and just all around normalcy.

When Burger King decided to do the Sponge Bob –no pants ad, apparently they didn’t think of the following:

Why on earth is this guy taking a bubble bath, by himself, in the middle of the day?

Why is the door to the bathroom wide open with his wife and kids just hanging around in the hallway?

Apprently, since everyone is home, it is a Saturday afternoon – aren’t the Phillies or Sixers on? Doesn’t he have anything better to do than “soak” in a tub?

Didn’t the director of the commercial say to himself “I just taped a 40 year old fat guy standing naked with soap suds covering his body and a sponge on his head – my career has taken a drastic turn for the worse”?

When I see the jell-o commercial, I get pissed. The Dr. Scholl’s commercial, annoyed. When I see this, I immedialty become disgusted.

Few other comments…


I attended a trade show for work last week. After hours of the standard “Cant wait to get to the lobby for a beer” and “Did you have trouble getting here because of the weather” conversations, a younger blonde girl (maybe mid twenties) came up to my booth to ask a few questions. As I am in mid-answer, there was a series of movements from the other person. It took me a minute to realize what had just taken place. After rubbing my eyes, I realized that my initial interpretation of the movements was correct.

A full grabbing of the seem of the pant and a solid, full-throttled crotch itch. I thanked her and left.


Finally, is there some troop of hot girls who wander around going from bed to bed eating crackers? Why has this occurance, that I would assume cant happen all that often, deserve such a saying.

“Was she hot?”
“I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers.”

I would think more information would be needed to decide if this would be true or not. Did some guy just come home from work and some random girl was eating crackers in his room? Then, I think I would kick her out. If, on the other hand, she had spent the night and she was hungry the next morning, then maybe it would be ok to eat the cracker in bed. I just dont think a blanket statement like that can be made and have it be true every time.

30 Days to Decide

Many of THOD's readers live outside of Philadelphia city limits and THOD is certainly aware of that.

However, for those of you that reside in Philadelphia, Monday is an important day for our fair city because it is the last day you can register to vote in the mayoral primary on May 15th.

As you've noticed and read over that past few months and weeks with our blog, many times I tend to take paint a picture of tomfoolery and ridiculousness when posting, because that's what I truly believe this forum should be about. The mundaneness of most days deserves an escape, and hopefully THOD provides just that in this arena.

But this contributor truly values the fact that I can make a very worthwhile decision in a little less than a month to decide who's going to be the next mayor of the country's 5th biggest city.

I watched the debate of the five democrats on-line on Sunday and based on what I saw, here's how I've broke it down so far.

Tom Knox: Although currently polling as the front-runner, his presentation and public speaking skills are severely lacking. I think like many people, I was intrigued by him being an "outsider" to the city and valued his skills as a businessman. Many drew a tangent to Knox to Mayor Bloomberg and his work in New York, but what many seem to forget is that Bloomberg's predecessor was arguably one of the best mayors in the history of this country. If elected, Knox would be following in one of the worst. At this point I think he would be the worst choice.

Bob Brady: I think that Bob Brady is a professional Philadelphian more than anybody I've ever seen. For better or for worse, if someone were to ask for a picture of a stereotypical Philadephian, Brady would fill out that portrait perfectly. Son of a cop, ward leader, married twice, union through and through, overweight, and thickly accented, I'm sure Brady res presents his congressional district well. Unfortunately though for Bob, that's likely the highest office he will hold. A true executive he is not.

Dwight Evans: I still really haven't figured this candidate out. He constantly touts his impact and success in bad neighborhoods, but at the end of the day his 25 years in the State Senate has had little to no impact on the gun laws in Philadelphia. The next mayor of Philadelphia has to have the power to handle Harrisburg. Yes, Evans has spent many years there, but for who and for what? If he were elected, I certainly don't think he would be the worst choice, but I don't know if he would be the best. I always try to personalize my vote, thinking specifically how a candidate can affect my life. I'm not sure at this point how Evans would impact me if he ran the city. I'm still in a wait and see mode with him.

Chakah Fattah: If you were to ask me today who was going to win the election, I would say Fattah without question. I think that in the next couple of weeks his numbers are going to surge and he will win going away. He wouldn't be the absolute worst choice being that he could put on a good face for Philadelphia when trotted out there in a national arena - but here's the thing, if he wins the election my next likely United States congressman will by none other than John F. Street. The possibility of that makes me want to put a for sale sign in front of my house immediately. In fact, if Fattah wins and Street runs, I am making the announcement right now that I will run for office. Fattah is a career politician who hails from Overbrook and believes that selling the airport and after-school programs will save the city. That's about all I'm sure of. A master of spin, I'm convinced that he would cut of his nose to spite his face. What I was completely unaware of that was uncovered during the debate is that he supports a new trial for Mumia. This initially shocked me, and also appalled me, but then I thought about it for a minute. Its a move to do nothing else but cater to his base. I do know this - he's not catering to me and won't get my vote, and in many ways I view him as a caffeine-free diet John Street.

Michael Nutter: After watching the debate I'm leaning towards Nutter more than any of the other candidates. I have several reasons why. He has the business and professional support, I think its a matter of time until the Knox supporters come to their senses and back Nutter. He has the Philadelphia track record, he's worked to lower the wage tax in the city, and put more cops on the street already. The smoke-free thing which everyone makes a big deal about I actually think is a wash. For every young professional and healthy 20 to 40 year old that loves the move so they can enjoy dinner in a Center City bar on a Tuesday without coming home smelling like a fraternity basement, there's the leather face in South Philly or Fishtown that despises Nutter for making them adjust their sweat/shirt suit and suck it down outside. They'd much rather be able to enjoy their fire at an automated poker machine in their corner bar. Positively, Nutter's "Emergency Plan" has teeth and is actionable, along with his plan to keep it clean when it comes to ethics reform. Like none of the other candidates, he know how the city of Philadelphia works because of his 15 years on council. I think that Michael Nutter would eat, sleep and drink being mayor better than anyone else. But - if Nutter is to win the election he needs to somehow steal Fattah's support, which will be his toughest challenge. We'll see.

So if you've read this far, you're either having an extremely mundane day or your actually interested in what is going on with Philadelphia politics. If its the later, do yourself a favor if you live in the city, register to vote. Register to vote because when the next mayor is introduced at at Citizens Bank Park, or is interviewed on MSNBC, you can say to the person sitting next to you who you supported.

All Hail BK!

Tonight, as we take a respite from bashing the Phillies and enjoy a big win over a division foe, I would like to discuss the greatest of all kings. No - for once, I am not talking about Burger King, despite the incredible job he does on the chicken sandwich. Tonight, we will highlight the incredibly strong season of Sixers president and General Manager William King.

Let's examine the stellar moves, transactions, and decisions BK has made thus far:

After trading our franchise player, one of the greatest players ever to wear a Sixers uniform, the direction of the franchise was clear - trade the best player, get some draft picks, and take advantage of the Sixers very high lottery pick and be well placed for the most talented draft class since, LeBron, Mello, and D-Wade.

But no, apparently I was wrong. Instead of writing of this season, getting the young players some much needed time, and drafting Oden or Durant, the Sixers managed to achieve, once again, mediocrity. the Sixers are 28-27 since the trade, including dramatic come from behind wins over powerhouses like the Celtics and Bobcats.

Many of the teams the Sixers were battling with for the bottom pick a few months ago understood that taking some lumps now will pay dividends in the future. The Celtics' Paul Pierce missed 30 games this year. 4 other starters also missed considerable time with terrible injuries, such as bruises and the flu. Similarly, the Bucks best players and recent top picks - Michael Redd, Charlie Villanueva, and Andrew Bogut have missed a combined 73 games this year. For the record, the Celtics and Bucks right now have the best chance of getting picks 1 and 2.

And the Sixers - Well, Andre Iquodala, easily the best player on the team, has been complaining for weeks that he is exhausted, not feeling well, and has been suffering from back spasms. So it only makes sense to shut him down, right? Hell no - why do that when he can play 75 games. Why rest him when the four year veteran, who has started 239 games in his career, can get valuable game time experience?

Speaking of experience, it is obviously crucial to get players like Iguodala, Miller, and Korver as much time as possible. There is absolutely no reason to find out of guys like Louis Williams (9 mins. a game), Bobby Jones (6 mins. a game) and first-round draft pick Rodney Carney (16 mins. a game) can actually play. (Especially someone like Williams, whose contract will be up soon) Why find out of they can play when they can just join the long line of players BK has dropped, only to see them become above average players somewhere else (Raja Bell, Bruce Bowen, Matt Harpering, etc).

Finally, if anyone thought the Sixers would just cave in and let the losses mount, your were sorely mistaken. The coaching staff and management didn't take one minute off - they were sure to adjust the line-up every chance they had to take advantage of match-ups, kept all starters in even when down by 20 points, and managed to have a winning record over the passed 50+ games.

Congratulations to the big Billy K. Once again you have been successful at achieving what is obviously your yearly goal - mediocrity. You have a team that is not good, that wont get a impact player at #11 in the draft, and have no salary cap relief for the next few years.

So go ahead - pat yourself on the back and keep telling yourself that you are proud that you won so many games. Tell yourself that it is great that we were only a few games out of the playoffs. Tell yourself that we are better off winning 33 games and getting the #11 pick than we would be if we lost a few more and had a top 5 pick.

I'm sure next year will be the year that you make your big moves and return the Sixers to the playoffs. I cant wait to be the #8 seed and get pummeled by the Heat. Thanks Billy!!

Bristol Stomp

For those THOD's readers that are in tune with the Sportsradio scene in Philadelphia, you may know that one of the morning hosts on WPEN Sportsradio 950 hung it up last week.

Rumor has it that a familiar face might be back on the airwaves to fill that spot that THOD has always enjoyed.



This contributor would enjoy nothing more than having Mikey Miss go up against Angelo Retardi and Diarrhea Hughes every morning.

Stay tuned.

Is Philly hot 'cause it's fly?

Noooo, sir. Philly ain't 'cause it's not. In fact, the current state of affairs is enough to make a young man long for the days when he can strap on a good boat shoe and head east, due south, to Avalon, NJ.

Just when it all seems to be too much...
- record murder rate
- last place Phils
- faltering civic leadership in response to aforementioned murder rate
- fans referring to the Big Guy as or "R-Ho" or, even worse, "Clubber"
- state whoring the city out so corporate fat cats can bend it over and give it 10 full throbbing inches of backdoor casino lovin'
- city wage tax

...chin up, good citizen! Shavy is back on the bench and suiting up for your Seventy-sixers!

Get Well Cookie!

The big story tonite on THOD is the near death of one of our favorites, Ace Smallcock, over the weekend.

Over the past five days our resident Cookie has endured yet another battle with the real big guy, checking himself into the hospital on Saturday night with a severe case of the dying.

Although he has miraculously pulled through, the Cook has managed to lose close to 50 pounds. Unfortunately the heaters and the diet of the red bull and the Mcdonal have finally taken quite a toll.

Photographed coming out of the hospital on Easter Monday, our buddy sure has looked better.








Don't worry buddy, before you know it you'll have that skip in your step back and primed for yet another...


Hat Party!







This story is a fact, you can look it up. Please give Cook a call to raise his spirits. He really almost took one.

Retort to "Unacceptable"

As was made perfectly clear numerous times by founder Yoder Lee, and reiterated in a recent post named "Under-Appreciated Friend", Incredible Hick cannot seem to grasp the notion that THoD, as an entity, does not speak. It does not offer opinions, does not create posts, and does not represent everyone. What THoD does do is allow people to get on their soap box, speak for themselves, and provide a conduit for all displeasures and unhappiness (as well as pleasure and happiness.) Therefore, although somewhat humerous, please join me in declaring "Unacceptable" VOID!

Did you drink any of it?

Excuse me , waiter, there's something in my Phillies kool aid.

What is it, sir?

I'm not positive, but it looks like a lot of runners left on base...

Well, sir, that comes standard with the Phillies kool aid. Would you like our new Phillies kool aid lite? It tastes just like regular Phillies kool aid but has an MVP who's afraid of National League pitching.

Zing!

5 Good Questions with Incredible Hick

The Happiest of Days has experienced incredible progress since its inception several months ago. The primary reason for its success has been the contributions of THoD’s editorial staff. One of the most prolific contributors over the life of the site has been Incredible Hick. Some times controversial, but always moronic, without the contributions of the Hick, THoD would not be what it is today. THoD correspondent and semi-regular contributor Rubbery Hangdown caught up with Incredible Hick in the second floor bathroom of his Manayunk home to ask a few questions about life, sport, and semi-attractive women.

Rubbery Hangdown: Hello?

Incredible Hick: Get out of here, what are you doing?

RH: Just a few questions, if you will.

IH: I will

RH: How are you?

IH: I’m doing incredibly well.

RH: These questions won’t take too long.

IH: Ah – the executive.

RH: Sure. Anyway…Over the past few months, you have written numerous columns that most other people in the world would disagree with. Most notably, your top five list of hottest ladies in Hollywood. Is it because of your own sub-par looks that you are attracted to sub-par women?

IH: Indeed. I have found that if I consistently focus on a woman who is well past her prime, such as Sandra Bullock, the incredibly remote chance that I might meet her increases by a very small percentage. Further, when talking about someone like Jennifer Love Hewitt, who has been forgotten and out of the spotlight for so long, I thought I might ignore all notions of what “attractive” is, and bring her back to the forefront. The fact that she wasn’t even that great on Party of Five has not discouraged me.






RH: Interesting. Very strange, but interesting. In addition to infatuations with rediculous actresses, you also seem to like terrible movies. Why do you think movies like Summer Catch and Fever Pitch appeal to you, but very few other males?







IH: I have very little awareness of what a normal guy would like. So I try to cover myself by just automatically liking anything pertaining to baseball, whether it is good or not.

RH: I see. So if you had to choose between spending an evening with Drew Barrymore and Jessica Biel at a bar; or Jimmy Fallon and Freddie Prinze Jr. at a minor league baseball game, what would you choose?

IH: Buddy! We both know the answer to that one.

















RH: Of course. You have said numerous times that your favorite non-baseball athlete is Carl Banks. What is it about Carl that you like?


IH: His high socks. They were always great. Depending on the uniform, he always had either the high white or the high blue. Both tremendous. Plus…his name is CARL!





RH: Speaking of which – You seem to be obsessed with the following things: High socks, trombones, and the name Carl. Why?

IH: I find that high socks go with anything. I try to wear them as much as possible. As for Carl, my first true love was named Carl, so I guess the name always just stuck in my heart.

RH: And the trombones?

IH: I love the feel of a good shaft going in and out.

RH: This interview is over!

IH: I am about to take a shower…you don’t want to ask more questions?

RH: No.

IH: You’re not taping this, are you?

RH: No, no…never.


(Author’s Note – initially, this idea sounded good in my head. When it got to paper, it lost something. But since any story is better than no story…)

An Under Appreciated Friend

Since THoD’s inception, there has been much conversation and controversy on the editorial content of this site. Some believe that any one contributor can be the voice of THoD, and that one point of view is accepted by all. For example, spicey mustard was deemed the official condiment of THoD. Although I love spicey mustard, especially on the McDonald nugget, I thought this drastic pronouncement was uncalled for, and quite frankly, rather presumptuous. The conventional, and more widely accepted view, is that THoD does not speak for all of us, nor can any one individual can speak for THoD.

Despite this battle, over the past few months, there is one thing that we have all been able to agree on. 2007 is, in fact, the Year of the Tit. Many different examinations and studies of the “tit” have been conducted by this panel, as well as other sources. However, there is one segment of the tit market that, despite its prevailence and importance in our culture, has long gone unnoticed and under appreciated. It is high time these important people are recognized for their hard work and contribution. As you have probably figured out already, these people are the designers and users of the store window mannequin.

Regardless of your preference, the mannequin has always been able to appease even the most discriminating taste. Below are just a few examples of the diversity our fiber-glass friends can offer:

The Small and Perky

















The Firm and Classy

















The Incredibly Large (Also known as the Delilah's look)
















The Sporty



















Although these bodies are obviously unattainable by 99.999% females in the world, they are not nearly as demeaning or tasteless as some may have you believe.

So with the Phillies off the a slow start, the Sixers and Flyers being terrible, and training camp still 102 days away, lets all, in this the Year Of the Tit, step back and truly appreciate the time honored tradition of the mannequin boob.

(Photos compliments of the Franklin Mill and South Street)