THOD: 2009

Recently THOD contributor Incredible Hick was given exclusive access into the life of a rather interesting creature, Scott Goon. Hick sat down with Goon in his suburban Virginia home for a quick chat. (Part 1 of 2)

IH: Goon, thanks for sitting down with on this steamy summer morning. How was your weekend?
THE GOON: Great. Took it easy. (as he says this THE GOON burps deeply and then blows air as if he’s blowing out the candles on a birthday cake). Just hung out here, the rents came over for dinner.

IH: Sounds very relaxing. Tell me about your morning routine.
THE GOON: I have three big glasses of milk and a waffle. I drink about a gallon of milk a day. Do you want a glass?

IH: Thanks, We’re all set. Your bones must be very healthy though, and then?
THE GOON: Then I go sit for a while.
IH: You go sit?
THE GOON: Yea man, I take a shit!!! Doesn’t everybody?

IH: Uh….sure I guess we all do at some time during the day….uh…. you went to Penn State right?
THE GOON: I did. Graduated too. 5 ½ year plan. (THE GOON is now crunching ice with his teeth loudly, the same ice that he put in his 3rd glass of milk of the day)

IH: That’s marvelous. Tell us about some of your memories from there.
THE GOON: Well, I once won a cheeseburger eating contest and I went as Hugh Heffner for Halloween three years in a row.

IH: I somehow remember vaguely hearing about that contest, didn’t some guy named “The Chief” win?
THE GOON: He took the cheese off of his burgers, plus he was gay. I beat a Dateless and a Crazy J too.

IH: Thanks for clearing that up. Anything else?
THE GOON: I always tried to blackball Harry Heist, and roomed with Newmark.

IH: Sounds like you kept busy during your time there. Goon, tell us about something you do well.
THE GOON: I cut my own hair. Fresh one last night. High and tight. I also quit smoking. Kicked the bucket. I like good sausage. The Pfister.

IH: That sounds about right. Can you elaborate a bit more?
THE GOON: I met my wife there. Then I blew out her knee trying to dance with her. Don’t worry though; I gave her an aluminum baseball bat to use as a cane.

IH: Sounds good. Goon, who is an actress that you think is smoking hot?
THE GOON: Katherine Zeta Jones. HOT AS SHIT.

IH: Really – that’s interesting, why her?
THE GOON: I’ve always had a thing for girls in Zeta sorority.

IH: That’s dynamite. If someone were to ask you, who would play the life of Scott Goon best in feature movie?
THE GOON: Several people have told me that I look like a young James Caan or Al Harris.
IH: You mean Ed Harris, right? But that’s fascinating, several people huh?
THE GOON: Yes, I’ve had that conversation with myself many times. He was really good in Hunter.